An eco-friendly market satire
In a parallel universe, Donald Trump is not a politician.
He is Admiral Trump.
He stands on the bridge of the USS Deal Maker, hands behind his back, ocean wind carefully respecting his hairstyle.
“People say the ocean is big.
I agree.
But chaos? Chaos is even bigger.”
On the radar — unmarked oil tankers.
No flags.
No transparency.
Very bad charts.
“These are not ships.
These are floating inefficiencies.”
While Ukrainian drones operate above — silent, precise, surgical — Admiral Trump controls the sea below.
No missiles.
No explosions.
“Explosions are loud.
Markets don’t like loud.”
Boarding teams move fast.
Documents are signed.
Assets are secured.
“You don’t sink oil.
You secure it.
Sinking oil is very low IQ.”
The ocean remains clean.
The tankers remain intact.
Only ownership changes.
“Some people spill oil.
We don’t spill oil.
We make deals with oil.”
On the bridge, screens glow with charts:
Brent. WTI. Shipping routes. Liquidity flows.
“Look at this volatility.
Terrible volatility.
We’re going to make it very stable.
Very beautiful.”
Admiral Trump points at the horizon.
“Piracy is bad for business.
Bad for the ocean.
Bad for confidence.”
This is not a war.
This is risk management.
“You don’t fight the market.
You manage it.”
As confiscated tankers are escorted away, the sea calms down.
“People are saying the ocean has never been cleaner.
I don’t know.
That’s what they’re saying.”
Markets breathe easier.
Liquidity moves quietly.
Narratives realign.
Because oceans, like markets, don’t need heroes.
They need control.
“Control is good.
Uncontrolled markets? Very dangerous.”
This isn’t politics.
It’s a story about narratives, power, and price.
This post is satire and does not describe real events.
#Geopolitics #satire #oil #environment #BinanceSquare